Rubbish
by WeirdsBestFriend
Summary: When Noodle and Russel arrive at Plastic Beach, he contemplates about forgivness, love, and suicide.


**Rubbish**

_...because that's all I am, just rubbish... _

They both came a few days ago. They tried to over throw the captain of the ship. The never ending ship of horrid disaster and backwards mentality.

I don't know whats wrong with me. Perhaps I really am a dullard, or maybe I am just brain dead. But for some reason, I wouldn't open my heart to her again. I wouldn't open my soul to hug her again. To breath her scent of pure gold into my nose.

I wouldn't let her arms wrap around me. I wouldn't let him talk me to my senses. I wouldn't let her come to me and love me again, and neither would I go to her and try to love her again. Because what she did was wrong.

I loved her. I loved her so much. She was white, graceful, butterfly among a field of yellow daises. And she took the field and set it all to fire as she left in her wake.

I will never forgive her, I will never love her again.

But that's a lie. Because even as I lie here, brain dead and depressed, I can see her face at the end of bright loving tunnel.

I still love her, I still want her, I still wish she was here next to me so I could have another chance.

But even if I did have another chance, I don't think I would use it correctly.

The only reason why I didn't open my arms to her, was because either one, I was in too much shock, or two, I subconsciously knew I would be hurt all over again by her secretive and hurtful ways.

Why couldn't she see what she had done to me? Has done to my heart? My soul? My brain?

Why can she not see all the pain she has put me through? the agony?

Even someone as dumb and mentally disturbed as me could see all that she had done since she left was kill me a little more inside.

The cold metallic clone of her had given me hope, it had made life a little easier to live again. It kept me away from the telephone cord or the kitchen cleaners, or even the shotgun that was so close to my bedside.

Then the real one came and had to ruin my entire fantasy. I knew all along, deep inside my heart and brain that the clone was not the exact same and never could replace her. All along I knew I wanted to real one.

But for what purpose if I would not forgive her? To make her see the pain she had caused me? Well..I guess that could be a start.

How sick and demented am I now?

I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore. The bright tunnel is closing off, and the dark red one is starting to appear now.

The kitchen cleaners and telephone cord to be used a rope are starting to look really nice. The gun, the gun that looks oh so evil is even starting to talk to me. Telling me to just put it up to my head.

The kitchen cleaners want to be drunk.

The telephone cord wants to snuggle me around my neck.

It's all rubbish, every word _she_ says to me. It's all rubbish, every word that _he_ says to me.

What _he _says. If he had cared about me..if he had at _all_..he wouldn't of left me. He wouldn't of left me as vulnerable I was when she had supposedly died. He wouldn't of left all of us like that. Even the eviler one of us all had seemed pretty messed up after the El Manana video shoot.

Shoot...

Such a horrid word to me anymore.

But for now, I don't even want to think about her beautiful face, her amazing scent, her lovely hair..

But I am.

And I know it is the only thing I will think about until I forgive her.

Either that or die.

Dying didn't sound so bad either though. Forgiving seemed to the final option while death seemed to be the favorable one.

And so, everything and everyone seemed to be better then me while everything lower then them seemed to be rubbish because that's all I am, just rubbish.

Just trash. Just waste, just nothing of needed existence.

So to me, there was two ultimate option. Forgive and forget, in which I would forgive her and forget about this mental talk with myself., or forget and forgive, in which I would perform the act of suicide and they would forget me and then everyone could finally forgive one another and think nothing of me.

It seemed option number two would be the best outcome.

But for now, while I hear the elevator coming to my floor, I must remember,

Noodle is my love,

Russel is my best friend,

and Murdoc is still my idol.

And nothing will ever change. Nothing will ever be any different. Everything will be the same.

I will still love her, I will still look up the evil captain of this ship of hate, and I will still be friends with the one who left me in my hour of need.

Because I must also think, She must of had a reason, the evil captain hides what friendly emotions he has for others, and he also had an hour of need, for himself, he needed time away as did I.

So I am the only one standing in the way for everything being the same or better.

But could anyone really love rubbish? Forgive rubbish? Want rubbish?

The answer as I soon found out was yes.

One mans trash is another mans treasure. One mans rubbish is some elses lover. One mans hate is someone elses want. One mans tears is someone elses smile.

**First oneshot for this category! Horray! I hope it starts sad and ends fairly happy! If you didn't understand some things-**

**She/Her-Noodle**

**Metallic Clone-Android Noodle**

**He left in hour of need-Russel**

**Evil Captain-Murdoc**

**Person talking-2-D**

**ALSO, when 2-D is talking about drinking the kitchen cleaners, he is talking about poisoning himself(suicide) **

**Wrapping telephone wire around neck, he is talking about hanging himself. **

**Shotgun, he is talking about shooting himself**

**he also says Murdoc is the captain because it is a reference to him being on plastic beach. **

**Ok! I think I pretty much explained everything that you might not understand! (: Please review! **


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